As Providence would have it, I once again, found myself headed over to the local wet market. (Noticed how I've put the word "wet" in BOLD? It's a thing I do to prove my point.) Well, anyways..
The local wet market near my hometown is the helliest place ever near my house. Nothing else can come close to that. Not even the graveyard, what with its unorganized graves scattered here and there; new graves cramped into the edges of old graves and every where in between. Nope, sirree. A trip to the local wet market is as close to a Fear Factor challenge as it can get.
The first thing you notice when you reach there is the crowd. There are probably thousands of aunties, grandmothers, ah sohs, ah pohs, makciks, neneks all crowded in a span of stinky, muddy ground. Not to mention the hawkers/vendors as well as the uncles and grandfathers and foreign workers. Everyone is game for an outing to the local wet market! Oh yea, totally gung-ho. Then, you’ll go into the cautious mode. Why? Because you tip-toe, hop, and wade over tiny tiny zones of spit. They are like landmines, planted everywhere; and when you don’t notice..Wham! You’re a hit target. “Squelch…”
So now, do you have a mental picture? In tribute to this nightmare, I will proceed to highlight 3 most used tactics/ploys waged by the aunties, ah sohs, grandmas, and ah pohs that you will be thrown at before you reach the targeted location. But before you protest, please allow me explain to you why I did not mention the male gender in this. This is because they rarely do it. Probably they are not programmed to. Beats me. Here we go:
‘HEY-MAMA’S-HERE’ TECHNIQUE
This ploy is only applicable to womenfolk with ample bosoms. Yes, it can be a harrowing experience for unknowing souls with heart pure as gold like me. You will be trudging along the uneven cement pathway, trying to overtake the old man in front of you whose steps are timed at 2-minute intervals while dodging the oncoming human traffic from the opposite direction. By the way, did I mention that the pathways are around 3 feet wide that also accommodates two way traffic? You’re getting impatient and SUDDENLY you’ve been nudged off-course by a lady with gigantic buxom. A single maneuver from her set of twins is capable of sending you flying across the street and smack on the wet floor of fishy water and mud. There is no competition. She’d win hands down and she wouldn’t even have felt a thing. Each strike of hers is planned within a fraction of a second, executed with flawless accuracy and boasts of 99.99% hits. One should know ones place. If you’re an A/B cupper, be prepared to lie yourselves down and be walked over. Or else there will be no mercy spared.
‘RATTANY-WHAM-BANG’ TECHNIQUE
Oh man, this is totally sly. A weapon is used in this technique of attacks whereby it is in the form of a basket. The basket in this case is usually weaved from sturdy but flexible rattan or in conforming to technology, plastic. It comes mostly in two shapes, round and oblong. Usually, vegetables, fruits, poultry, meat and fishes are added in to optimize the effect of these babies. To use it, the aunties will carry them baskets in front of them. It will act as a shield for them but a weapon to us. The frontal side of the basket is then nudged and jerked about as the aunties/grandmas weave their way through the crowd. Be very careful when in crowded areas. The possibility of running into ladies wielding the basket has a rate of 10 out of 10. The basket will hit you across your back or your head for that matter given that you are a very small sized individual. For an added effect, you might be slapped with a dangling fishtail or droplets of water from vegetables. And for an instant you’ll be seized with an unpleasant feeling that wrecks your state of mind’s well being. Immediately after deploy you’ll better be running along before she redeploys. A second shot will result in a stronger and more urgent blow.
THE MEE SOUP TECHNIQUE
This is credited to be the slyest of 3 techniques. Swift and deadly. Fortunately, it is not used often. Only the cruelest and most obnoxious of individuals uses this technique. It’ll come at you when you least notice it yet brutal enough to etched the hurt inflicted in your memory. This technique also uses a weapon. It comes in the form of hot soup contained in a flimsy plastic bag. Holding the plastic bag full of hot soup, the sadist would head off. When caught in a crowd the sadist is able to scald unsuspecting individuals with their hot soup bag. The victims would naturally step aside and let the sadist pass through. It’s a knee-jerk effect. And the sadist will be well gone before you can shake your fist at them. Possibility of running into them depends wholly on your luck. But the percentage of successful hits will definitely be 100%.
Well, the above is only the most common used ways used. Happy marketing. And thank god for hyper marts.